Pen Me A Poem » humour

Britney Spears Joins the Taliban

Edward — Wed, 14 Jan 2009 21:30:35 +0000

Yesterday, I asked people on the social networking and micro-blogging service, Plurk, to provide ten random words for me to incorporate into a poem. The resulting poem was created by using these given words in tandem with a subject matter familiar to most people. This being Britney Spears, the rather irritating and over exposed pop singer. Each of the ten words in the poem are highlighted by a link to the Plurk profile of the person who provided the word.

Britney Spears

Scene: A Britney Spears spokesman at a press conference.

“It is with the greatest of confuddlements
That I announce some shocking and terribly grave news.
Ladies – ladies and gentleman – BBC and Fox -
Britney Spears has joined the Taliban.

Intelligence says, she’s renamed herself
‘Britney Bin Boobs‘, inducing much discombobulation.
The Spear’s family is understandably crushed
And have been looking up Waziristan on Google Earth
Vile place!

Apparently a golden dodecahedron
Worth many millions of dollars,
Now known as fake, attracted her eye, cunningly
Drawing her in.
No one knows as yet what Jihadi plans she has
In retaliation for the constant mockery
During hair follicle prestidigitation
Last year.”

Yes. There are 9 linked words in the poem. I am ashamed to admit I forgot to include the 10th.
Feel free to add me if you are also a member of Plurk.

What is the key to holding together a relationship?

Edward — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 00:24:14 +0000

Question: What is the key to holding together a relationship? I’m worried my guy is loosing interest. (Anonymous)

Agony Poet

Romance entails, biting toenails
Whilst dining in the bath tub.
Fine wines and pussy cat entrails
Followed by a feel and rub.
Chew his chilli, grasp a lilly,
Celebrate the differences.
And of course always surrender
To a woman’s preferences.

– The Agony Poet

If you need a problem solved then send in your question to the resident ‘Pen Me A Poem’ Agony Poet: agonypoet(at)penmeapoem(dot)com
Include your website if you want to be linked to.
(Some will be answered, some not)

Children’s Clown Stripped After Terror Scare

Edward — Mon, 22 Dec 2008 00:29:37 +0000

A clown accompanying a crowd of children for a flight around the United Kingdom was stripped searched recently after his toy handcuffs alerted the airport metal detectors. Security staff were on hand to help PC Konk to take off his giant baggy trousers, massive shoes and to examine his bubble saxophone, toy camera and police-clown identity card. The latter had his photo and a description of him being in the Criminally Insane Department. The clown was later allowed to continue on his way, although his handcuffs were confiscated.

Terrorist clown?

Beware of clowns with coloured pantaloons
Who wear huge shoes and stand in airport lounges.
They might well be a terrorist, a threat!
Hiding water bombs and paper scissors –
Planes could burst with laughter!

Metal detectors, tootle with mirth
As security with indecent frowns,
Press the children’s jester to promptly disrobe.
Toy handcuffs, seized from his still chuckling girth,
Impounded! On Britain’s safety grounds!

The full story of this humorous airport encounter can be found in this Daily Telegraph article from the 21st of December.

Cold Parisian Nudes

Edward — Sat, 20 Dec 2008 01:39:29 +0000

In Paris recently a group of life models protested in the city streets in a completely nude (some may say lewd) act of defiance. The problems occurred when a ban was imposed on artists giving the models tips after their sessions. The city hall was first bombarded with complaints but the situation came to ahead the other day with mass protests composed of red shivering legions of the bold and the beautiful. The following poem is in honour of those starving modern day equivalents of Rodin’s naked muses.

Life drawing class

Cold Parisian nudes, stand tight in frigid rows,
Their painted banners unfurled like national flags flapping.
More pay they demand and more respect for no clothes,
“Can’t you see our pride unwrapping?!”

Goosebumps tingle in the freezing afternoon air,
Where thighs stand pale white and noses turn red.
Behind, decorated Christmas trees stare,
Whilst kids laugh heels over head.

The problem first occurred with Paris City Hall,
When they banned the tradition of the ‘cornet’,
A piece of paper rolled and passed around for tips and all
With thanks for their bodies they let.

“It’s artistic and physically demanding work
To stand and sit for hours requires strong fitness,
And in France, life modelling is a serious perk”,
Observed a naked witness.

Nearby artists sketch the shivering arrangement,
In solidarity with their linked cause;
A megaphone cries out their bared estrangement,
From the past and new city’s laws.

The original story can be found in this Guardian newspaper article from the 16th of December this year.

(Please note – These are quickly written verses in response to current events which I create for fun and in no way exemplify the careful and meticulous poems I can create for you. See my portfolio for examples)

Friedrich Schiller’s Overdue TV Licence

Edward — Thu, 02 Oct 2008 11:57:40 +0000

One of Germany’s most famous poets and playwrights, Friedrich Schiller, was recently ordered to pay his television licence despite having been dead and buried for over 200 years.

The German licence-collecting agency, GEZ, threatened legal action if he did not promptly pay the fee of €17 (£14). The nation notorious for its red tape did not relent when the headmaster of the primary school bearing Schiller’s name in Weigsdorf-Köblitz in Saxony, to which the bill was sent, had relayed the simple fact that “the addressee is no longer in a position to listen to the radio or watch television”.

GEZ replied that unless Herr Schiller could prove he was not in possession of a television set or radio, then the bill had to be paid.

Michael Binder, the headmaster, finally settled the confusion. He said: “I told the GEZ that Herr Schiller has not been with us for quite some time, and included his curriculum vitae with my letter.”

A spokesman for the agency later apologised saying “We have to deal with such a huge amount of data, that something like this can happen, and the name Friedrich Schiller is not so unusual that it stood out as strange. We will now alter his status in our computer system.”

Friedrich Schiller is famous for his poem ‘Ode to Joy‘ which was later adapted by Ludwig van Beethoven into the fourth and final movement of his Ninth Symphony. It is now also the anthem of the European Union.